By Kenesha Collins
Hello World! I wanted to update you all on what’s been happening lately. It has been awhile, since I dug deep and let you in. I’ve been so focused on book stuff and goals – I haven’t given myself time to absorb everything around me. I will be completely honest, it is hard to sit and absorb all the craziness in this world, and not get upset by it. I still have to get up every morning, have breakfast, pour myself a cup of coffee and work.
I haven’t been running on autopilot, but I’ve had to continue to push forward. Last year, I had went through a period of just blah. I didn’t like my job, my city, co-workers, and place in life. I thought about it carefully, and the decision was to move back to Texas. I thought I’d be happy there, so I put all of my energy into trying to find another job. After a few weeks, I noticed I wasn’t getting ANY requests for interviews or emails of interest. That is rare. Texas is a big state, and there is lots of opportunity, so I found it strange I didn’t get any response.
Then, I received an offer in Tennessee that I couldn’t refuse. It was an offer of 3 times what I make now at one of the largest supply chain companies in the world. I was extremely excited. After a few months, I kept checking with the company on when my start date would be. I kept getting the same response. The recruiter didn’t know, and they were finalizing the budget. Finally, I received an email stating the budget for the role fell through. To say I was disappointed was an understatement.
Now, if I had actually taken that job that was already unstructured on budgets, when the pandemic hit, I could have been out of a job. I’m almost certain they would have “budget” issues again. I currently live in Tennessee, and I’ve complained for the last four years about how much I don’t like living here. I expected the people here to be just as warm and friendly as the people in Texas. The truth is – people are people no matter where you live. You can’t base everything on a few bad experiences. I’m going to give the city I’m living in a real shot at least until the end of the year. I’m going to open my mind to this place, and see what happens.
I was feeling closed off, not support, and unloved. The pandemic didn’t help as I’ve been isolated working from home. I decided to go to counseling. I just finished my last session with an amazing counselor, and she has really transformed my thinking. She exposed how I’ve let people in my life that didn’t deserve to be there. She also exposed some insecurities and fears I have about ending up alone, not ever remarrying, or finding “the one,” lack of support, etc. At this point, I thought I would be begging her to continue to work with me. Actually, there were times when I didn’t think I could say goodbye to her. For a few weeks, I racked my brain trying to come up with other issues so I can continue seeing her. Today, I was okay with saying goodbye. During my sessions with her, I learned to let people go when we’ve outgrown each other. That process was long overdue. She also taught me to come out of my shell. I hide behind my writing ability sometimes. I’ve opened myself up more. I’m on social media, engaging with my readers, and getting over the fear of taking a hold of my dreams.
Counseling has also helped me work through my feelings of loneliness working from home. I’ve been working from home since March 6th. A few weeks ago, I posted that I was ready to go back into the office and the reasons why. Like many, I under the impression we would have returned in June. However, due to the pandemic getting worse by the minute, I found out it could be September or even later than that when I am able to return to the office.
At first, I was devastated. The pandemic had already put a stop to my plans to travel and my 40th birthday plans. At the very least, I wanted to be able to engage with people at work everyday. I also wanted to know how they were navigating through their lives during this time. I thought it help me by seeing how other people were handling it. Then, I thought of how grateful I should be, and fortunate to work for a company that cares that much for my health they would let me work from home for the majority – if not all of the year.
The moral of the story is that change is inevitable, and to be grateful even in times of discomfort and adversity. Sometimes things don’t work out for our benefit. I have a career at a company that I have a history with, and they look out for me. I’m engaging more with my co-workers as best I can considering we can’t see each other. When this pandemic is over, I’m going to explore the city more, and make more an effort to make new friends.
I hope all of you are doing well. I know it’s hard out there, but we all will get through this. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my little rant. Thank you to all those that have liked and/or began following me. I’m in deep research mode, and will be posting what I hope are some powerful peaces centered around all of the issues that we are currently facing right now. Stay tuned on what will be some good dialogue.